No Sleep

jacqueline | May 12, 2022, 6:16 p.m. Might be a poem

It's one of those things people do to recover and recharge. 

Yet here I am, awake, riddled with thoughts. 

They don't have a direction; they are just filtered emotions driven by my energy to stay awake. 

My heart begins to race as my mind down shifts into the first gear of my emotions.

I turn the corner and drift into a memory.

The road is windy and wide. 

On one side, the grass is green, but bare on the other.

Some trees are on fire while other blooming with life. 

I watch as the clouds torment the shadows. 

They run and hide under the shade of the burning trees. 

I watch as ashes slowly fall. 

I pull over next to the burning apple tree. 

I take a bite and fall deeper into a philosophical thought.

I stay there for a while and enjoy the moment as I watch most of my memories on fire. 

As if I lit the match.

Letting go of the ashes.

And walking away. 

Would be the best-case scenario.

Walking across the street into the flames is where I stay awake. 

Because the fire burns keep me up. 

I choose to walk the side with all the ashes. 

Surrounded by death, I feel most alive. 

When I walk across the street, around the blooming trees, full of life. 

I feel like I'm dying. 

So, I get back in the car.

Where my heart takes the wheel. 

And I drive, I drive, and I drive. 

I watch as the senary never changes. 

Roses on one side, ashes on the other. 

As I drive right through the middle, awake. 

While the world sleeps, I think. 

I think so much, I have to do, and when I do, sometimes,

It doesn't make sense, but if feels good. 

It feels right. 

It doesn't have to be perfect.

It just has to be real. 

I watch as my reality distorts.

The shapes change and my world is different now. 

The way I see it and how I feel. 

So, I lay here awake, on my highway of life, watching the lights go by. 

Because if I wasn't? Then who is?

It's my life, right? Shouldn't I be awake living it? 

Who's going to see live it if I don't? 

What is normal? 

When we all feel crazy. 

I've never met a sane person on this planet that hasn't admitted to their wild. 

The animal we all know we have inside, that asks us...why do you sleep?

We have to survive. 

We are always in danger. 

And if you think you are not, then what kind of life are you living?

If you aren't moving, then where are you going? 

Life is out there not in here, on this bed. 

I am too safe.

I am too comfortable for an exciting life. 

One worth talking about. 

One people can learn from with me. 

I can't grow without mistakes. 

And I can't make mistakes without trying. 

I'll always chase after love and when the time comes for it to break me,

I will blossom through those ashes and continue to break. 

It will be the most beautiful road to travel. 

Because those burning trees will shine a light all the way down that road.

A sunset orange will illuminate my path.

It will melt away the ice inside my heart. 

Because knowing true pain, softens you. 

Feeling how fragile we are humbled me. 

Some let those trees burn to black coal, others keep watering it. 

Because as long as that tree gets water, it will never burn all the way through.

It will light up the ashy dark side of the road. 

I can't unburn a tree.

But I can keep it alive. 

I can always look up and see the easier path just across the way. 

I can't see the paint put up to play me. 

I let it shimmer and shine.

But I never cross the street. 

Because I know I want a life worth living.

And no story, no good story, was ever told on easy street. 

You're not better because you had better, it just means you appreciate it less. 

It isn't until you truly see what you had from a distance that you see its sparkle. 

Suddenly its covered in glitter, and it's the kind you can't get rid of. 

And from far away its beautiful. 

And maybe it's better that way, to have gratitude for once, that you had it.

You get to visit it on the highway of your memories. 

Thats a beautiful thing you know.

To be able to feel something amazing.

Letting it go.

But being grateful you were one of the ones that got to see it. 

Swim in the forbidden waters.

Beautiful. 

We really are lucky to be here.

To feel this. 

Even if it hurts. 

Wow.

How lucky. 

I've set my mind on cruise control. 

Kicked back my seat, and I'm enjoying the ride. 

Maybe not every night is meant for sleeping. 

Maybe it's meant for feeling. 

And that's ok. 

Because feeling is healing too. 

Good luck on your journeys. 

May your road be bumpy

But may your car never break down. 

You'll get your rest.

Once you've learned to drive.

<3 >.<

Tormented by the shadow of responsibility.

A weight so heavy that the shadow pulls you under. 

Deep into the sheets.

As you curl up in the shames of what you haven't achieved. 

Sinking deeper in regret. 

Pull the covers over your head.

Sit there quietly remembering it all. 

Feel it. 

Then let it go. 

All of it. 

And just be there. 

I will meet you in that place.

I am there too. 

Exstacy will take over. 

You'll be free.

Floating. 

Once you've completely let go. 

I'll join you. 

Get in my car.

It's a smooth ride from here. 

I'll show you all the colors your pain added to the path. 

How much was created through all the hurt. 

The beautiful work of art that was made because of it. 

And you'll love it. 

Because it will be beautiful. 

I hope you make it. 

Because I know it's dark. 

But if you water the burning tree.

It will live. 

And make it bright. 

Suddenly you'll feel free and I'll be there. 

Cheering you on because I know it was hard. 

But you'll make it. 

And one day you'll look back at the hole made in your bed. 

And throw it out. 

Not because its trash.

Not because you're going to replace it with something new. 

But because you realize, you don't need it. 

Your feet have places to take you. 

There's not time for sleep now. 

You've overcome it. 

To travel and continue on your journey. 

Because this isn't where it ends. 

Its where it starts. 

And you'll remember the poem by Dylan Thomas.

That one line-

"Do not go gentle into that good night"