Loss

jacqueline | Jan. 26, 2023, 12:29 p.m. The Ramble

It's probably around 5 AM right now, I haven't really wanted to look at the clock since I'm ashamed I missed my window to fall asleep. It's funny though because I've discovered that in the middle of the night, I want to write the most. At the most inconvenient of times. I'll be tired tomorrow for sure because I've already stayed awake this long and still have plans and promises to keep for the morning. But here I am, awake and wired with thoughts. 

I guess I'm thinking about the people who have left this earth recently and their impact in my life. What the world feels like now without them and what I'm supposed to do about it. It's really shocking to see someone healthy and happy one day then morning their absence the next. 

I live in a place full of people playing dangerous games. I guess this is where we all go when we are trying to find a place to live out our extreme pleasures. Turns out, those activities we choose to take part in can have a part in the end of our own life. We all know the danger we dance with, but we are taken by the adrenalin and addicted to the joy that we forget its sharp edges can cut. 

We dance on top of thin ice and steep peaks as often as possible. It's crazy to think that we all worry about the end of the world but forget that our own death is the end of our own personal world. 

God gained a few angels recently and I'm thinking about them. How would they like to be remembered or mourned? How do they want us to deal with their loss? It's been keeping me up and fueling my words. Life is such a fragile thing we play with. I know that my future holds more loss because how could it not since we all don't live forever. It scares me that I haven't done enough to prove I love everyone every second of the day and to lose someone cuts me deep every time. 

I've never been good at goodbyes no matter how many times I'll tell it to you like a learned custom. No matter how many times I practice it, it just doesn't feel right. I'm tired of saying goodbye to anyone even if it's just for the night. I've noticed it's easier for people who haven't lost anyone to part in peace with a simple 'see you later.' But I've been saying goodbye to people since I was a child. Moving from one country to another. Leaving loved ones behind until I get the chance to see them again full of grey hair and stories that don't include me. 

When I do meet those people with hearts of gold, I cherish them and hold on so tight. But then life decides I haven't learned my lesson, so they slip out of my hands as if covered in butter. Maybe the path is to be walked alone for some people and until I learn to be ok with that, every person I get close to will leave one way or another. So how can I make it right and live for them? How can I make things better for them if they aren't here? 

The only answer I've come up with so far is to be there for the people they loved. To be a friend to the people who've lost them. This life is a package with fragile tape all over it. I wish people saw that. 

I might delete this post later since I'm delirious and emotional right now, but right now, this feels right, and it feels good to get it out. I want to talk about them and what happened, how their absence is apparent. How a whole town is affected and carrying it with them while they go out, maybe the bar, or just sitting at home trying to decide what to do with their life.  

Do something that makes you and others happy, I hope. Be careful but be brave. <3

As always, 

Thank you for reading.