Looking back Part - 1

jacqueline | June 7, 2022, 4:05 p.m. The Ramble

Oh my goodness. 

So much has happened since my last post, I'm not exactly sure where to start. I did make it to Oregon. It was beautiful and Mt. Hood was amazing. Of course, I'd like to tell it in a story, but as you'll learn soon after reading, I ran into some things that made it a little complicated getting back to writing. And has funny as it is, before I ended my last post, I had no idea what would happen next, and turns out, the story did have to wait for another day...today...hopefully. Ha. 

So, there were some side notes I'd like to share that I wrote along the way. I lost two note pads, so someone out there is laughing...or really confused. I hope for both. Because that's just funny and eases the pain of their absence. Thankfully I did finally start using my phone to take notes, I have a slow time at adapting to technology, but I do think it's a necessary evil as "they" say. 

First, I'd like to point out a comment someone I met for a brief moment said about my writing. He first opened up my website and read just the first thing. He said, "Do they all start this sad?" and that kind of hit me. Oops, yes, possibly? I confessed to him I had been going through a hard time and unfortunately, I didn't know how to mask that in my writing. I really do write through my heart. Or with my heart on my sleeve. Although I do hope to put a positive twist to it somehow, it still shows. 

Today I plan on changing that, because I really am feeling better, and I'll tell you why. There's so much, so bear with me. I'll probably jump around but it's all connected in its own way. 

The notes - 

- There's a difference between knowing your worth and showing your worth. 

- The journey to finding happiness, is full of heartbreak, so be hopeful through it. 

- Embrace the dark side of things to be able to appreciate the light. (Or live in the light) Still not sure about that one. 

- If people traveled more, money would be distributed around the world equally, growing balanced wealth, there would be less war and miss information in the media, it would help people develop a better awareness of the world around them. It would prevent the development of a false reality. We could focus on why travel and tourism are valuable to the mental health of the population. It would feed our inner migrating animal, and our starving countries. Think about it.

- Clean energy travel would be the best focus, if we all started thinking in that direction, we could be having the best time with the time we have on earth. 

- To the pig in my pocket, just the little ceramic smile on your face brings me joy. It's all I need, and that I don't even need, I appreciate and adore that when I look at you, you smile.

- Ouf, ok, this is a long one, I wrote it on the plane. It's more of a poem, but I like it. I am including this because of how much a place you've been or a person you met can help you find your wings. It can inspire such a feeling, that I'm sitting here writing because of it, and not in a melancholy fashion. How much just a moment in time can have such a huge effect on your direction or path to healing. I hope you like it. 

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- This first part is the intro into the poem - 

I've said before I don't want to write of love. But it's impossible to not. Especially when I've been writing so much of sorrow and suffering. 

I've been in a dark place, where the shadows taunt me. I lost my flashlight, and the sun went down. 

...Sad stuff like that. Because honestly, I couldn't see past my own sadness, people felt positivity through my very masked depression. I didn't want it any other way. Helping people smile and laugh was the Neosporin to my pain. 

I kept walking, and I got there, to a place where I could feel a little better. 

POEM - The Unclipping Butterfly Effect 

I've felt the pit of the fire, I even became the flame. I watched as the sparks danced around me as the ashes fell down like rain. 

I don't want to touch you, Ill burn you, with everything I've felt, it's insane. 

So, I sat there next to you, as a dog lay at my feet. Black and white, soft and sweet. 

We talked but we didn't need to. We laughed when we didn't have to. 

The conversation was effortless. The world felt at peace. As if it had calmed down, wrapping us up in fleece. 

That talk warmed up my long winter into a warm blooming summer. 

We don't know what is meant to be forever, but nothing really is if you're clever. 

The world has made sure to remind me whenever I start to hold on, to let go. It was hard to go to sleep knowing we wouldn't get tomorrow, so I swam into the forever of today. 

But here I have a smile I can't wash off my face. It's plastered with permanent paint. It didn't have to be much, but it was just enough to bring me up, and carry me away. 

You didn't know it, but you took off my band aid, and showed me that I had been cured. 

I had been carrying it forever, scared to remove it, it'd bleed. 

Turns out, I was ok, and the world will be too. My world was never broken, just black and blue. 

I managed to break through the dried-up mold, the past few months had a strong hold.

The experiences had all hardened around me, a debilitating stiffness I couldn't control. 

Inside that hardened place, there were echos of my thoughts bouncing off images all around the walls of my past changing incoherently and fast.

Suddenly I found that I could paint over it, not to erase it but to reshape it. 

As I put more paint over the old images, the walls began to soften, and a little crack formed. 

I could suddenly see through it, and the light that shined in showed it

Sparkling magic of crowned queens and kings

I was just a caterpillar creating her wings. 

I will separate todays post into two parts. This was part one.

Thank you for reading.