I'm my worst critic

jacqueline | Oct. 14, 2022, 11 p.m. The Ramble

If it were up to my impulses, I'd delete everything on here and start over every day. I read back to myself everything I've written; I'm constantly finding mistakes and I give myself a pretty hard time. 

But then, I leave it, and let that feeling pass. Not because I've convinced myself that what I've written got any better over the many times I read it, but that I know I'm learning. I'll look back at that mistake and I'll have improved it on my next piece. I'll be happy I saw that then and know I'm glad I let it grow. 

It's very hard in the mist of creating something to see what you're doing with the eyes of the person holding the proud finished product. But I try. I try to see future me cheering me on that if I do keep going, regardless of the doubts, that I will finish, and it will happen. The story is finally taking form, and I'm beginning to feel more in a narrative state, where it just naturally develops. I really love this. I need to be less self-critical; I'm only just learning this. And who knows, maybe this book turns out to be a total Flook, everyone laughs at my work, and nobody likes it. 

Then I'll just have to bite the bullet and try again. 

I want to follow my dreams and live in a better world. I really do. That's so far from a joke I might as well be on mars. So yes, one day, maybe in an hour, or tomorrow, and I might jump and double take and reread it thinking "Ah, dang it, that was too much" but maybe in a year, maybe two, I'll look back at the beginning softly and with pride at all the little mistakes that grew me.