Environment is everything

jacqueline | March 24, 2023, 8:05 a.m. The Ramble

I've recently sat down to take a long look at my goals and my motivations. I've wanted to write a book for a long time, and I originally had such a beautiful story I wanted to write. I got caught up in so many tiny details I lost sight of my original goal. I let philosophy and social studies interfere with my original plot. It's like saying a word over and over again that it suddenly loses its meaning. 

Blogging was supposed to help me practice writing so my story would be easier to write, but I soon discovered that I just really enjoyed blogging. It was the story that took second place and writing about writing became my main focus that I lost touch with my story all together. 

I've been on a healing journey, and I've been shedding a lot from my past that has taken hold of my present. It was difficult to keep focused. I needed to sit with myself and understand what my main motivation was. I think my personal story has really hit home for me recently. The fantasy I was trying to write was a fictional and dramatized story depicting my real-life struggles and fears all told out in a beautiful fairy tale that would hopefully lead to its own happy ending. 

This blog has been my journey through the past few months, my feelings, and my struggles trying to find the writer within me to take over and finish the book. One thing I found to be my biggest downfall is my environment. I love living in the mountains, I love the mountain and everything it has to offer, but what I am lacking is an environment that helps stimulate my creativity. I have a place that feeds my athleticism, but my room is big enough for sleeping and nothing else. Housing has become so scares and finding a place I can live in that isn't the size of a pee and cost as much as a house in New York has become a real hurtle. A sacrifice has to be made to allow for growth, just like clipping a dead rose so a new one can grow in its place, I will have to cut a piece out to fit something new. Surrounding myself with other people who desire creativity and growth is priority, and also finding a space I can comfortably create in is now my main goal. In a few months I'll be leaving the mountains for some time to reset and center. 

I'll get certified again in yoga and fitness and begin again my journey as a health coach. During this time, I'll try to blog and hopefully find a good consistent groove where I find the words for my book. But for now, I'll keep seeking within for my inspiration in hopes that soon I'll have the answers I've been tirelessly seeking. It's time for a new chapter in the journey I've been on, and I know that once I finally turn the page, things won't be better, but they'll be different and with that, the best will come from it. Struggling is inevitable but with it comes growth, and with the right attitude, I'll either go big, or go home...wherever that may be. 

But if I could wish for something, I wish for a home that has space for my ridiculously huge personality. These late nights being taunted by all the possibilities has affected my sleep and sanity, if I am not comfortable enough to relax and be myself, then I can't be comfortable enough to express myself freely. So, I'm creatively stuck at the moment, and I only hope in the next few months things take a turn for the better. Not that things are bad, but when it comes to everything I dream of, I'll need to take bigger steps to accomplish them. 

So here is to clipping the dead roses. 

As always, 

Thank you for reading.