A Blank Page

jacqueline | June 19, 2023, 4:37 a.m. Practicing Writing

A blank page couldn't be more menacing, but after looking up the definition, I guess it doesn't suggest a presence of danger, in a way, I guess it's mocking, and after looking up the definition of that, yes, or I mean no, it's not making fun of me in a cruel manner. 

Fuck.

A blank page is...it's...intimidating. But even after looking that up, it's really not scary either. I guess, when I look at a blank page, I have to look inside of myself to come up with words that can complete it. It's also not overwhelming because I could just walk away and be perfectly fine. I will probably not be "in a great amount of" anything if I don't put words on this blank page. 

I like writing, I'm not great at it, and I never expected to be. I just enjoy the act of it, it's also pleasing to explore what's raddling around in my brain and what I'm willing to let free for whom ever to read, at I hope, their enjoyment. I also really like reading. I love how when I read a book, I go to where the writing takes me, I sometimes LOVE where I'm going, and sometimes I don't, I put the book down, and walk away. Moving on with my life as quickly as I turned the page. But staring at a blank page and really thinking "Hm. What do I want to share today?" Really gets me. 

I guess a blank page is challenging. The definition to that is...testing one's abilities. So, if ever a blank page was anything, it would be that. What are my abilities? How far can I take you into a beautiful thought journey, where you might think to yourself, "What is a blank page to me?" Or...you might not think anything, and for you, I tip my hat, because I often wished to think of nothing and let this exitance just be a passing blink. Although unfortunately or fortunately, who's really to say, my mind won't let me do that. It won't let me sit in an empty thoughtless existence. And for who? For whom do I think for? For whom do I write for? For whom do I fill this blank page with words for? 

Yeah, it's for me, selfish as the sun keeping its rays for thy self, yet somehow a couple plants get the benefit. Right? 

Maybe you'll laugh with me because I'm being honest. I hope some of this nonsense is relatable. For me this blank page has a lot to do with trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be in the end. When all is said and done and over with. Who do I want to say I was and what did I do? I filled a few blank pages with words and made a couple people laugh in the process. 

Is that going to be enough? 

Enough to keep me from roaming the world after my death begging to come back and haunting my loved ones for a second chance at life? Maybe to hear someone mumble a few words that will set me free from the shackles of regret. 

This blank fucking page is starting to look more menacing as the words go on huh. Maybe regret is the presence of danger. 

Finacial freedom would be nice, but shit, I'm sure if we treated everyone with respect and ended up dying in debt, we'd be happy. We'd probably pass on and reincarnate into some sort of beautiful goddess or god. Being crowned thy who "Didn't give a fck" about money. 

In the end isn't it about how we make each other feel, not what we have? At least I hope so because I don't really have much but I sure try to treat people with respect. 

But hey, maybe I'm the fool. I'd be alright with that. I'd die happy tomorrow knowing I wore my heart on my sleeve up until the very end. So, what's this blank page mumbo jumbo supposed to be about? I mean...It's about trying. Even if I know I won't be that great at it. Even if I know some people will laugh at me and not necessarily with me. Nothing would ever get done if people didn't try to fail a few times first. We've heard it so many times, and this isn't the last and definitely not the first. But I am one of those people, trying, even in the face of adversity (Which means difficulties or misfortune) Because I didn't learn how to read until I was 16, I had every "Disability" people threw at me as an excuse for my delayed learning. People should start acknowledging trauma brain trying to learn and survive at the same time. Instead of plastering a disability and calling it good. 

There are so many of us out there, labeled and doomed to be complicated and broken. Difficult to work with and out of the ordinary. Please for the love of everything good don't be ordinary or yeah actually, cool is pretty fckn stupid too. Be nerdy, learn to love learning. Be lovable and caring. Stop being selfish. It's not about you, it's about us. Be transparent and help people realize that it's bigger than you. It's bigger than them. It's about all of us. >.< Judge me all you want. 

But, what's your blank page going to be about? 

As always, 

Thank you for reading.